Happy Goal Setting Day! {Part 1!}

I have said it before, and I will say it every year- New Year's Eve is my favorite holiday. Not because of the champagne and the parties, no. The truth is, over the years there has been more than one holiday get together where I was secretly thinking the entire time about how I couldn't wait to get away and curl up with my fresh new journal page and juicy new colored pens to ring in the new year with my beautiful, shiny new lists...

That's right- New Year's Resolutions!!! I love them. I usually way overreach and keep about half. Or less. But I actually do try. I have put a lot of thought into them over the years, and I really do take the time to review periodically throughout the year of said resolutions. So for those unscientific reasons, I consider myself something of an expert. Also, it has become tradition for me and my college best friend to debate the merits of having "vague" goals, such as "work out more" over specific and measurable goals, such as "work out daily," every year for the past 10 years. So, here's to year 11 of her husband and I ganging up to drive her insane with our vagueness! (Our argument is that we can look back and feel that we did a good job "being better" at something, without actually measuring it. It's a failing argument that won't sell any self- help books, but I'm sticking to my guns.)

She will be happy to know that I am going to try to be more specific this year. Mainly because I am going to try to stay accountable here on the blog. (Maybe one vague goal could be "try to stay accountable on the blog...")

Sometimes I even like to take a sacred day and pour over all of my old journals and resolution lists and think about how far I have come. (Yes, it's that serious for me.)

On a less neurotic and more serious note, I believe it really is good to look back. Some goals and dreams and plans that I had did not come to fruition that year. Or the next. Some took time, and a lot of it. Some things are an ongoing journey in my life. I am also able to identify patterns in my life and work on them in a more productive way.

For example, when I looked back one time over several past years of journals, I noticed that every year I would write, "Be more organized." Now, those who know me know that organization isn't exactly something that I struggle with. I'm pretty stinkin' attentive to detail and organization. Even when I am messy and neurotic, I am organized. What I was really dealing with was perfectionism. I was good, but I wanted to be way better. I wanted to not just be organized, but perfect. I wanted to have it together. The real goal needed to be to let go of perfectionism and use my gift of organization that I already had to live a more full life. (That's still vague, I know.)

So, anyway- it's good to remember where you've been. Not just to track progress on goals, but to keep you humble and compassionate. Looking back at goal lists always winds up leading to reading through those old journals. Oh yikes. The years between 17 and 27 were good years for me to keep a record. They do, indeed, remind me of where I have been. I have been depressed, and in bad relationships, and floundering. I have made terrible choices over and over. I have been a hot mess. And He has pulled me up. Set my feet on more solid ground. It's good to revisit those years from time to time. It reminds me not to be so frustrated with those who have not yet done the hard, painful work of healing and self-awareness. Those who have not yet allowed Him to change their choices, and patterns and neuroses. :) It's easy to lose sight of your past when you feel like you are doing well. It's also easy to forget that you didn't do it on your own by making awesome New Year's Resolutions. He has shown me grace and given me a hope and a future.

So....my goals will be announced in Part Two.:)

Five things that I let go of this Christmas...



This Christmas was kind of a whirlwind for me. The beginning of December held our annual Foster Care Christmas Party, which I had been planning various parts of since the end of August. So, after that, it hit me that I was having Christmas in my personal life as well this month. (Shocker!) This was the first time in a long time that I went kind of "commercial" and did way more shopping and spending money than I did crafting. It was a very un-homemade Christmas for me, which kind of bums me out. But it was a good one- this was the first time I had family here for the holidays since I moved out to Ohio 10 years ago, so that was special for me! 

I tend to stress out over things like upcoming events, having company over, getting things done on time, and making sure everyone is recognized and appreciated at Christmas. I've been working on letting things go, and embracing the "good enough." It's hard, and I want things to go according to plan, but I am finding that I allow myself more time to enjoy the things that I've worked on and planned if I eventually throw my hands up and say, "That's as good as it's gonna get!" I attribute this largely to reading the book, Confessions of a Slacker Wife, by Muffy Mead-Ferro. It was hilarious! I picked it up as a light read, but it ended up being really life-changing for me. I highly recommend it! One habit I am really trying to form after reading this is the art of just letting things be good enough. Instead of making adorable and time consuming appetizers and party favors that everyone will compliment- just order a pizza so that you can actually spend time with people instead of time trying to impress people. I'm telling you- this book is a much needed kick in the pants. 

So, here are some things that I let go of this Christmas. Some things I would actually prefer to not let go of next year, like sending Christmas cards (I think handwritten stuff is kind of a dying art), but no regrets. I was happier for not over exerting myself! 

1. Perfection

This one is pretty self explanatory. There were a lot of things that weren't perfect this Christmas, but I didn't want to waste too much energy trying to bend them to my will! On Christmas morning, we had family over for brunch. My kitchen was fairly clean, and I set myself up for success by making a meal that was pretty much make-ahead/crockpot style, so that I could enjoy time with my family opening gifts and actually eating the food I prepared. But my kitchen floor was gross and needed to be mopped so badly. BUT...hubby had meat smoking out back for dinner that day, it snowed, and our back door is in our kitchen. Which meant quite a few muddy tracks all day, no way around it. So why mop in the morning? I didn't want guests to see my dirty floors, but it was pretty counterproductive to mop. So I didn't because there was no point. (My former self would have mopped every single time it got dirty that day and would have spent Christmas mopping and being cranky at my husband for tracking mud in the house.) 

2. Control

So, I don't know if everyone in my life would agree that I gave up control....but I worked on it....so that's something, right? The thing is, I am good at planning and executing that plan. So, it's hard when things don't go according to plan, or when there doesn't seem to be a plan. I don't like flying by the seat of my pants, and I don't like when things are kind of up in the air until the day of. I like writing things down on my calendar and planning ahead. But, life happens, and well......people happen. I'm learning to deal with that. And trying to be flexible when last minute plans come into play, or people are like, "Hey, what are you doing tonight?" Or when the beautiful Pinterest craft you are making for gifts takes longer than you thought and doesn't turn out quite like the picture. Not that that happened. :) 

3. Expectations 

I have ideas of what I want the holidays to be like. I think it takes a while to adjust your expectations as an adult for what holidays and events in your own home will look like once you are a grown up. Yikes. I think it will be more fun when we have kids, and can start our own traditions. In the meantime it's like you are always basing your holiday on what everyone with kids is planning to do. Which is fine, it's just hard to let go of that desire to have things be special at your house, too. This year, I wanted to make freezer meals ahead of time so that we would be set for the week of Christmas. I wanted to have all my shopping and crafting done, and send out my boxes in time for people to receive gifts by Christmas morning. I wanted to bake and write out cards for my small group and mailman and landlord. Instead of baking, I actually just set my butter out to soften. For a week. Instead of prepping healthy freezer meals, we spent way too much ordering take out. Instead of mailing things ahead of time....well, those boxes are still in my foyer. I think adjusting expectations rolls up the control and perfection issues with it. 

 

                          

4. Saying Yes...

I don't have a huge issue with saying no. I am actually pretty good at it. I have struggled with depression before and part of the self care that I make a habit now is not filling my plate too incredibly full. It's just good mental maintenance. So, whereas I am okay at saying no to activities and events, and trying not to fill up my life too much, I can sometimes say yes to too much when it comes to my to do list. I already told you about all the things that I wanted to do during Christmas that I didn't get to- I do the same thing to myself when it comes to what I want to accomplish on any given day off. I fill my list with things I'd like to get done, and then I feel let down when I only get to one or two of them. It's still about expectations and perfection, I guess! So, this Christmas season, I tried to focus on saying yes to a reasonable amount of accomplishments, people, events, and Christmas items. I said no to sending Christmas cards, keeping my house sparkly clean, and piling too many obligatory events on our plates. I said no to stressing myself out, and decided that actually wanted to enjoy my time off of work! 

5. Saying No...

So what did I do throughout December? I have a pretty long list of what didn't get accomplished, and I kind of have a pet peeve about letting everything go to heck in the name of mental health. Maybe it's true sometimes, but it can also feel like a cop-out. Some things you can't get out of, and shouldn't try. And I do like things to be nice, and pretty and creative, and Pinterest-y. :)  So, I also did some "letting go of saying no." I took some time to evaluate and prioritize to see what I should say yes to this year. Here's what made the "yes" list:

• I didn't do Christmas cards for family and friends, but some of our church ladies and I took the time to write cards for girls in juvenile detention. I think they probably needed it more. And it was actually pretty tempting to say no, because we were asked kind of last minute, but it was the right decision. And we had a lot of fun getting together and doing it! Last year we made cards, and made a craft night out of it. This year, I decided we should forgo the extra work, and focus on our messages to the girls, and just spend the extra time praying over them instead of cleaning up glitter. Maybe next year we'll do more sparkle!
• I went to a Strip Church outreach for the first time on the Saturday before Christmas and  prayed for ladies going out to local strip clubs to brings gifts and share with the girls working that they are valuable and loved. Honestly? I needed to get a lot of other stuff done, along with the rest of the world that day. But that made me realize how lame commercialism is. I think things like this are what Jesus called "choosing the better part" when He was talking to Martha. It's all just....stuff. People are more important.
•  I was really present with my family and my husband's family. I am a behind the scenes kind of person. I like planning, and executing, and meeting needs. I like refilling the bowls and platters at parties. I don't actually care for the parties that much. But, like I said before, to be able to really spend time with others, you have to set yourself up for success. I didn't want to spend my time making the perfect dish or whatever. I wanted to sit, eat, enjoy, and interact. Big step for me. 
• I cleaned out my shed. Yep, that's lame, I know...but we got amazing and unusual weather the Sunday before Christmas and it really needed to be done. So, I put aside my shopping, wrapping, and crafting to get some fresh air and do some outdoor work. Which is pretty out of character for me! So that was me, living on the edge, throwing caution to the wind and doing yard work instead of Christmas crafts...Woohoo! In all seriousness, it feels good to me to be able to be flexible with stuff like that.

So, that kind of sums up my holidays....not super interesting, but I feel more relaxed at the end of them than I usually do! I'm planning to keep working toward letting the unimportant things go and focusing on what counts in the new year. But, also planning to get an earlier jump on those Christmas cards next year! How about you? What things keep you sane and on track during the holidays?

Elizabeth Bennett and the Virtuous Woman {Proverbs 31:10}

There's that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Lizzy, Darcy, and the Bingley siblings are in the drawing room talking about what things would qualify a woman as being "accomplished." I love it, because after the (ridiculous) list of attributes is finished, Lizzy says to Mr. Darcy, "I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any."

This is how I feel after reading the Proverbs 31 list of virtuous attributes! Indeed, her price, value, worth, scarcity, would be far above rubies. I rather wonder now at my knowing any.

So, as we dig into these women of the Bible that define the modern day pursuit of "Biblical Womanhood," we may as well begin by defining the word that is so highly expected of us.

Virtuous- conforming to moral and ethical principles; morally excellent; upright

 

So.....a "goody-two shoes?" (Whatever that actually means...it's kind of a weird phrase.) Someone who is the "right" kind of girl, or a "good girl?"

 

Does it mean someone who never does anything bad, or pretty much has this good, Christian girl thing down pat? Someone who paints tables and is well versed in reading and writing? (The accomplished woman from Jane Austen's novels?)

 

My knee jerk reaction is to conjure up images of the sweetest little pastor's wife you ever did see when I think of the words "moral" and "upright."

 

But when really meditating on what would make someone moral and ethical, I think more along the lines of ethics in business, good politics, poverty alleviation, and awareness of the exploitation of vulnerable groups. I think of ways that I believe Christians should conduct themselves. I don't know about you, but for me that means having good character. It means doing what you say you will do, and not trying to "pull one over" or "step on" anybody to get ahead. It means business deals being on the up and up. It means blowing the whistle if you see corruption in your work place. It means not tolerating the exploitation of workers at home or abroad, where it is in your power to do something. It means being trustworthy. It means striving to be a Christian who doesn't make people want to vomit because of your general hypocrisy. It means being transparent. It means being a person that reflects the attractiveness of Jesus.

 

And this can be hard work. Because people know when other people are being real. Are you morally upright, or do you act that way on Sunday morning? Are you open about your struggles and your victories, or are you striving to be seen as the "good church girl," or as "wife material?" Are you living it or acting it?

 

What are the things in your life that you believe would qualify you as being a virtuous woman? Is it how often you attend church? Is it how busy you are "for God?" Or is it deeper than that?

 

Honestly, it is super easy to become a good church person. It becomes routine. You (and I) become lazy. Are we doing a bunch of bad things? Nah. Am I generally a moral person? Yes, I would say so. But am I daily striving to become a woman of virtue? Well.....occasionally. But mostly I rely on the fact that I am not doing bad or socially unacceptable things. I am fairly emotionally healthy, I go to work, I do a good job there, I don't steal, I don't do drugs or drink excessively. I have never killed anyone. You know, basic "my good outweighs my bad" type stuff.

 

However, we know that we are called to more. God calls all of our self-achieved righteousness "filthy rags!" So, that morally good rut that we are in all too often.....well, it has to go.

 

The virtue of Jesus was counter-cultural. It was radical and based in grace. It was not the things He did, but Who He was. That's what we need, too. We not only need to be covered in His righteousness, but to also examine the lives we live. Is it the day in, day out, churchy routine? Or are we radically changing our lives and actions to align with the virtues and principles that Jesus taught? Things like caring for the sick and poor and weak? Things like giving and alleviating and bringing hope?

 

This virtue calls for us to lay down our lives--our comfortable, church-going, seemingly good and morally upright lives--and then take it further, examining what we think and believe and asking, "Is this virtuous? Is this moral and ethical? Is this excellent and upright?"

 

Truly virtuous people are rare. Their price is far above rubies. I rather wonder now at my knowing any.

 

I am striving to be more aware of real virtue in my life. It has little to do with whether or not I am a good homemaker, or a good cook. I do not need to be great "wife material," for many are called to singleness. I do not need to be incredibly resourceful, or talented. Yes, God gives many of these things as gifts, but they do not create virtue. Virtue is so much more. It is living what you say you believe about who Jesus is. It is going against the grain and really living out your faith. It is choosing the ethical thing even when it is not the popular thing. It is hard work. It is sacrifice. And it has great value.